she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Randomize
