I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
I didn't pop out of a cake in a speedo with diagrams
In case that's what u were picturing
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Sexual Dilemma - Covid Edition: Flirting with a cute frat boy. The Cougar in me wants to go back to his frat house and fuck his cocky brains out. The adult in me doesn’t want to get Covid and have to quarantine in a frat house for 2 weeks\n
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