Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Sad Megan is Sad
Have you been drinking my beer?
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
