I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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