I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
You told me to remind you that the bruise on your ass is from when you danced on the table at Ziggy's, saw a cop and tried to 'fly away'.
I think he just caught a duck in mid flight
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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