If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center
you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
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