I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Please come home, i don't want to feel like basket garbage girl but I'm in your alleyway and not sure how to change that.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
