is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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