my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
I JUST ATE A STRANGE BURRITO, I SHOULD NOT BE EXPECTED TO KNOW ANYTHING RIGHT NOW.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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