Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Just introduced myself to a group of people and one dude said "You're Marc!? I've heard many a legend of you." I raised bottle of champagne, said cheers, and drank with them.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
