Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
