I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
