My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
she used her teeth again, but this time it was out of love
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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