She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
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