its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Randomize
