I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
We spent three hours cleaning our room this morning. It was spotless and smelling good. I come home from work tonight and she has already smoked weed in it and "accidently" spilled vodka on the floor.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
PS: I just woke up from my shower
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
