I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
