My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
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what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!
the part where you beat me to him
fair enough.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
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And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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