Sober January is a disaster.
Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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