Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
Randomize
