You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
