Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
He spent $1100 at a strip club. If I had that kind of disposable income, I'd make a cocaine sandcastle.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
