Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Randomize
