dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
I need moral support for this bender
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
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