Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
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