is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
IT'S A HOLY FESTIVAL. A BUDDHIST CELEBRATION OF PENIS.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
