Swine flu. Run for my life!
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
