I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
Tequila should only be paired with the finest of dick
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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