i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Do you ever look back on your life and think - man I should have never had sex with that guy
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
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