By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
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