Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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