Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
