I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
One. But meh. I upped my age limit to like 29 hoping I'll match with this one fedex guy that delivers packages to my work
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Randomize
