this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
