So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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