my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
I am not speculating about which disney princesses do and do not have gag reflexes
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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