so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
then she came back into the room with a neckbrace on. i thought she was getting ready for the pounding of a lifetime.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
did i walk over a car last night?
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
