My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
batman tramp stamp. Dibs.
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Yeah, I'm just gonna try to repress that and remember him for his big dick and perfect jawline.
he said "I would have fucked you in the chipotle bathroom" and I can't get over how awesome that would've been
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
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