why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
