Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Watched twin sisters make out thought it was amazing sick on their part but legit to watch
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Randomize
