Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
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