Just fell off a train. Bad.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
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I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
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I have loved her ever since she went down on my first wife
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
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