we need to drink 2009 down the drain
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
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