Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".
Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
he was just sitting there in his underwear... and his chewbacca mask...
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
