I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
