God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
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