I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
Randomize
