She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
He fucked me so hard my contacts fell out! Didnt know that was possible.
Randomize
