Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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