i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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