I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Found my other fake eyelash. In a condom wrapper...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
also karaoke with swedish 7yr old and drunk 50yr old = best idea ever
He was hammered and shot his pistol into the lawn. Next thing I know sheriffs are at our house with M4s. He likes to party
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
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