I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
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