After last night, I could never be a politician.
We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
