She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
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