Will you blow on my dice?
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Haha, maybe if he wasn't dressed up like Kimmy Gibler he could give her the D
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
