I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
I can't wait to go to grad school so I am not your high unemployed friend.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
2017 is my year to realize stuff. Move over Kylie Jenner
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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