WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
you wouldn't believe how quickly birth control dissolves in vodka
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
