I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
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