we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I wish I could rss feed the hooker ads on craigslist because it looks suspicious that I check craigslist every hour.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize
