I skipped work to stalk him.
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
