you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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