i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
